Willow visited me last night

[Tina B and crew]

It was brief but she was there, no doubt about it, in my dream. It was more than just a dream, I really felt her presence when I woke up. I miss her so much But it was nice to have have her spirit felt so strongly!

Lately Tim and I both have mistakenly called Lucy by Willow's name a lot, and we have also noticed Lucy adopting more and more Willow mannerisms. It's almost uncanny at times.

[momPaws]

I understand things like that. Am happy for you - hope it is comforting. I feel those spiritual connections with Honey, too.

[Tina B and crew]

Thanks mompaws...glad someone understands, I'm sure not everyone would. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Willow, but last night was the strongest presence I've felt in a while. It was almost disappointing to wake up and realize she wasn't here in physical reality. The ache is just too much I think I'm just a bit vulnerable now though, because I just had the year anniversary of my daddy's passing, and Willow's is coming up. Just can't believe she's still gone....

[Traci]

I don't know what it is, Tina, but whenever I have vivid dreams like that, I always feel closer to my furbabies. Maybe in some sense, our dreams (and thoughts and memories as well) are our connection to them.

Try not to look at it as emptiness when you wake up, but grateful for the "visit". That's how I look at it.

[momPaws]

Tina, I know just what you mean... am hurting over things with my dd and a special day coming up and that makes me miss her and Honey even more. All 3 of us were so close. I miss my Mom, too... and when I dream about any of them it is tough to wake up and it's gone. It seems so real.

[Tina B and crew]

Believe me Traci, I'm doing my best to be grateful for the visit, but I miss her so much it physically hurts. The last few days have been really rough with this and we aren't even at a year yet. But last Saturday was a year since my dad left, and that has made me vulnerable to these emotions I think.

And this might sound silly to some but since Willow left I have not listened to my iPod at night, because my routine use to be going to bed, having Willow follow me, listening to my iPod as I would drift off. So I pulled out my iPod and listened the other night (not the same night Willow visited but the night after) and just the act of listening, not to mention hearing certain songs, threw me into an emotional down spiral like I have not had since last year. Interestingly enough Lucy, who usually does not sleep with me, spend almost the entire night either by my feet (Willow's favorite spot) or next to my head, kneading on Willow's favorite blanket that stays next to my pillow. She knew I needed someone to be there. I didn't sleep a wink that night until 5am. So, back to the nature sounds on my phone, because no memories are attached to those. Last night I was really dreading going to bed, so much so that I finally took an antihistamine to help me sleep.

I'm still struggling with the loss of Willow so much more than the loss of my daddy...

[slvrwhispr]

Tina, honey, maybe it's time to talk to someone. We all know how much it hurts to lose such a special creature, especially suddenly... but if the grief is still this strong this far down the line, it might help you find peace again if you talked to someone experienced with helping people get through profound grief. It breaks my heart to know how much you're hurting. I wish there was more I could do.

[Tina B and crew]

thank you for your concern..it means a lot to me silver...I have talked to someone. I was in therapy for about 6 months following the loss of my daddy and my Willow. I was doing great until last week. Sure I had moments of sadness, but they were brief. Really, I've been doing great over all considering the domino effect of last year's events. I just have a lot of other stuff going on right now, and I think the time of year it is just brings a lot of stuff back up. In fact I had gotten to the point that I could go through photos of Willow without getting too emotional, even manage to smile. Not to mention, my thyroid levels are a bit low right now because of a screw up in my dosage of meds....I usually am quite vulnerable when those get out of whack. I think I'll be fine, just need to get over this little slump I'm going through right now.

[Traci]

On one hand, I agree with Silvr's sentiment.

On the other hand, the grief you're feeling can only be handled how you feel is best and most beneficial for you.

I tend to grieve in private, alone, mostly because I believe I own my feelings and emotions and I have to work through them on my own, at my own pace. For others, that's not possible, it is sometimes better to be open with someone, like a family member or close friend, because the act of sharing the pain or even memories aids in the healing process.

That said, I completely understand what you're feeling and what you're going through. There isn't a day (or night) that goes by that I don't grieve for my loved ones, even those I had as a child. And lately, since losing Cotton, it seems to have hit me especially hard. I have been through this so many times, with my own cats, family's cats, client's cats and so on and it never gets easier, never. But I will go through this a thousand times over because I love them all, and I can't imagine my life without them.

I know that you see Willow in Lucy, and that she reminds you so much of Willow. I see that in my cats too sometimes. But, you can actually learn to enjoy Lucy as her separate individualism, and still embrace her similarities to Willow without the agonizing pain. Try not to impart too much of Willow's similarities onto Lucy, or it will consume you. Take note of those antics or certain things she does, but don't mistake them for anything than what they are, Lucy's individualism.

Anniversaries are tough, really really tough. I always try to encourage celebrating life as opposed to bringing back painful memories. I know that isn't always easy, but at least for me, it helps. By celebrating, I mean remembering how much happiness they brought to your life, reflecting on the good things and not the bad.

As for the Ipod, don't feel bad, I cannot listen to any kind of music when I'm feeling down or upset. I think it is that way for the majority of us. You're already tackling that with listening to sounds of nature instead, so let that take you to your happy place, or, if you don't have one, invent it!

Have you tried talking to Willow? I talk to my angel babies every night before I go to sleep. While conflicted sometimes in my religious convictions, it doesn't stop me from believing they hear me, continue to feel my love for them, that they are happy and safe. It helps instill peace for me, and for as long as I'm stuck on this earth, I can have that at least, and no one can take that away from me.

[Tina B and crew]

Oh believe me, I do appreciate Lucy for being Lucy. She is quite a unique cat and I really think she has helped me through this a great deal. I never expected Lucy to "replace" Willow or "to be" Willow. I think maybe you have misunderstood me in thinking that when I mention Lucy doing things that remind me of Willow it appears I am "trying" to see Willow in Lucy - believe me, I'm not - there will NEVER be another Willow. I am, however, finding a rather uncanny similarity that goes beyond physical looks in brief moments of Lucy's antics - sometimes it really throws me for a loop when I am least expecting it. Part of it is that cats all have similar behaviors. I also see a lot of Frodo in Lucy at times, especially in the way she handles Chunk, just as I see Gizmo in Chunk. I have no doubt Willow had a paw in sending Lucy to me, but Lucy is Lucy and I would never expect her to be anything but herself. She is an amazing cat with a uniqueness all her own! Her doing what Willow normally would have done the other night was nothing but a comfort for me. It brought me a great deal of relief during a time that I was feeling out of sorts. I appreciated it more than you can know.

For the most part I do take comfort and happiness in knowing I had 8 wonderful years with Willow, but I still think the fact that she was taken so suddenly, so unexpectedly, so soon after a heavy loss, has played a huge part in the deep grief I experienced. Right now I'm just experiencing a deep desire to have her back. I'm a very memory heavy person and my memories are usually attached to emotions. I can't explain it, and I'm sure most people wouldn't get it, but even the change in light/humidity/temperature that comes this time of year makes me remember, a bit too viscerally, what the emotions were like. Talking (or typing) helps me. I can't grieve alone, I have to get it out and I really appreciate having the place here to do it where I don't feel judged and looked down upon.

Bottom line - there is more to this than just missing Willow...but I'd rather not go into my entire life issues right now. Just not dealing with change very well right now - and some other life circumstances have me feeling as if loss is a major theme in my life that I must get use to.