k9Karen wrote:Peg-Please don't beat yourself up by thinking you are in any way responsible. Strokes aren't called a "silent killer" for no reason. Very often they are caused by vascular abnormalities and can not be anticipated or prevented.
Thanks, Karen. Shannon went through so much in her life and I wished I could have saved her once more. She was 20 years old and was still in excellent shape. No one believed her age. I'd love to post her picture but can't figure out how. I do know she has left a very big hole in my heart.
My Noodles suffered three major strokes and survived but he was only 8 and Shannon was 20. The vet tried to console me by saying at age 20 many things could have been happening in her body which were not recognizable in tests and examination. Right to the end, she went to the litter and tried her best. She was such a fighter. It is so hard to let her go.
As Karen notes, while strokes in cats are a bit different than humans, and more rare, often times they are silent, or a saddle thrombus occurs which could never have been detected otherwise (in a healthy cat with no obvious heart condition), and many times, treatment may not be possible. It is natural to feel guilt, but I don't feel you could have prevented a possible stroke.
You went above and beyond in caring for Shannon all these years and you gave her the ultimate best. She knows you did everything you could possibly do.
If you still have trouble, feel free to email me Shannon's photo(s) and I will post them for you. Just click on the email button under my post (when you're logged in).
I lost Leah, my first Sheltie to a stroke (I understand they are pretty rare in dogs too) so I fully understand what you're going through. That was in 1988, and there are many times when I still miss her. She is in almost every picture we have of our daughter. A classic herder trait - she had to be near her flock at all times.
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." ~ Josh Billings.
Peg, I agree with the others about being hard on yourself. I know the feeling, truly I do. I just lost my precious Willow who was only 9-10 years old less than 2 weeks ago, unexpectedly and suddenly, and I thought she was perfectly healthy. It has been nothing short of devastating to me to lose her like that when I fully expected to have another 8-10 years with her and I too have went through the "what if's"...what if I missed something, what if I had taken her to the vet for a check up (she was due), what if I had been here more..maybe I would have noticed a symptom. But the truth is Willow's behavior never, ever, ever indicated anything was wrong with her. Whatever took her (and I chose not to do a postmortem because it doesn't matter now) was a silent killer. I did the same thing when my daddy died 2 months ago, I beat myself up because I wondered if I could have done something different with his care. I know it is hard, but what I've learned is second guessing our actions doesn't help. Those who left us KNOW we loved them and would have given our life for them. I KNOW Willow and my daddy both know that. And I know Shannon knows that of you and you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could. The hurt is an awful one. I still cry every day over my precious Willow. I cannot sleep in my own bed yet because that is where she died. But I am doing all that I can to pay tribute to her beautiful life and keep her memories alive. It's all I can do. There are days when I wish I did not have to live, but I know Willow would want to comfort me and make me feel better and in the end I feel her spirit with me. I hope that you can feel Shannon's as well. My heart breaks for you and goes out to you. Shannon was blessed to have such a loving, devoted mommy. ((((Peg))))
Tina B and "what a crew!"
How we behave towards cats here below determines our status in heaven ~Robert A. Heinlein
Tina B and crew wrote:Peg, I agree with the others about being hard on yourself. I know the feeling, truly I do. I just lost my precious Willow who was only 9-10 years old less than 2 weeks ago, unexpectedly and suddenly, and I thought she was perfectly healthy. It has been nothing short of devastating to me to lose her like that when I fully expected to have another 8-10 years with her and I too have went through the "what if's"...what if I missed something, what if I had taken her to the vet for a check up (she was due), what if I had been here more..maybe I would have noticed a symptom. But the truth is Willow's behavior never, ever, ever indicated anything was wrong with her. Whatever took her (and I chose not to do a postmortem because it doesn't matter now) was a silent killer. I did the same thing when my daddy died 2 months ago, I beat myself up because I wondered if I could have done something different with his care. I know it is hard, but what I've learned is second guessing our actions doesn't help. Those who left us KNOW we loved them and would have given our life for them. I KNOW Willow and my daddy both know that. And I know Shannon knows that of you and you know in your heart of hearts that you did all you could. The hurt is an awful one. I still cry every day over my precious Willow. I cannot sleep in my own bed yet because that is where she died. But I am doing all that I can to pay tribute to her beautiful life and keep her memories alive. It's all I can do. There are days when I wish I did not have to live, but I know Willow would want to comfort me and make me feel better and in the end I feel her spirit with me. I hope that you can feel Shannon's as well. My heart breaks for you and goes out to you. Shannon was blessed to have such a loving, devoted mommy. ((((Peg))))
Dear Tina,
How awful to lose your dad and your precious Willow. I will say a prayer for them both. I know that however I feel I failed Shannon, I cannot change the fact she is gone. I still jump up to give her pills in the morning and turn on lights and look for her so as not to step on her. I even call out to her as I've done a million times before and then think she is not here. She did her best and was a beautiful kitty and a great friend. I will miss her forever. Thank you so much.
I do the same with Willow. I still call her every time I walk in, I still look for her, I still expect her. She was my best friend, my soulmate, and a very, very, very special cat. She deserved to live a long and happy life in my eyes. Apparently somebody needed her special spirit at the Bridge and now she is my angel kitty. I really don't like it one bit though. I want here HERE with me. I want her pressies, and kitty kisses. I want her sleeping at my feet at night. I want to be selfish right now. I think sometimes it hurts even more to lose our animal companions than our human ones simply because they are there for us so unconditionally. They love us when we are happy, sad, angry..or whatever. They know the truth of utter devotion. And, when we lose them we are not necessarily given the same allowance for grieving that we are given when we lose a human? Even if I had a service for Willow there would never be hundreds of attendees there to give me their condolences. No cards, few phone calls. I am thankful that the majority of my closest friends understand and have been amazingly understanding and gentle with me during this time. And I am blessed to have heard my daddy tell me a few days after Willow left that she was OK. Doesn't stop the hurt, doesn't stop the longing, doesn't stop the emptiness that I feel in my heart. Just go with it, cry until your heart is content. Tears are often our friend in times like this.
Tina B and "what a crew!"
How we behave towards cats here below determines our status in heaven ~Robert A. Heinlein
That's exactly how I feel and I appreciate your telling me of your feelings. It's true people don't understand our love for an animal but they love us unconditionally and Shannon was a great little companion. We watched tv cheek to cheek. She was my best friend. I feel guilty I didn't see her symptoms and let everyone tell me it was just her arthritis. I feel I failed her in the end and that is what is tearing me apart. I would never hurt her. I loved her way too much but I am still guilty I didn't see it. I will love her forever and miss her so much. Talking to her helps but like you I miss her cuddles and love and being with me. I pray she is at peace and running free of pain. Heaven will only be heaven if I get all my animals back.
Peg, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can't tell you what to do but speaking from recent experience having lost my 6 year old healthy Simon on 9/16, beating yourself up only interrupts your natural grieving process. At least it did for me. We were at the vet for annuals a month before. Everyone came home with a clean bill of health, except for 2 that needed dentals. I had Simon since he was 2 weeks old and despite having 9 other cats, we had our own rituals. I have no closure as the autopsy revealed all healthy organs; vet ruled it a fatal arrhythmia although he had no previous cardiac diagnosis.
Whoever said the grief gets better with time can kiss my a$$. I cry every day and still am crying in my sleep. I guess I'm supposed to find comfort in believing he is at the Rainbow Bridge but I don't. I want him here with us. His mom(s) are here, his sisters are here.
Anyway, please know that I too understand and am so sorry for what you are going through.
(((Cleo))) I think when people say that grief gets better with time they are not trying to ascribe a time line to you specifically. Time is relative when it comes to grief, loss, pain, and healing. For some people it takes only weeks, for others it takes months, and yet for others it may be years. I think my cousin put it nicely when he was delivering a sermon for one of the many human funerals I have had to attend this summer. He said in the midst of grief, one day you realize that for a brief moment you were not focused on your pain, grief, or your beloved loss. In time that moment becomes several moments and so on and so forth. Yet life will never be the same with our beloved companions no longer there. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You have to feel it fully, you have to live it, your process is your own and nobody can tell you how to do it.
There is nothing wrong with taking no comfort in the idea that Simon is "in a better place" such as the Rainbow Bridge. I had a friend tell me the day after Willow left that she liked to think of Willow sitting on my father's lap in heaven because my father needed a companion. I was livid because all I could think was "HE needs a companion? He has plenty of companions! No, it's ME who needs the companion and I want her back!" I still feel that way. I think the only comfort I am beginning to take is the fact that I really do feel Willow's spirit around me in the most unlikely places. Like last night in church, I saw her sitting on top of the organ of all places! She came to church with me! Would I give that up to have her at the foot of my bed when I go to sleep and when I get up? Hell yes! Hang in there Cleo....do your grieving in your own way and in your own time. Simon knows you love him but that doesn't help the hurt
Tina B and "what a crew!"
How we behave towards cats here below determines our status in heaven ~Robert A. Heinlein
Tina - I think the way you described the "moments" is an excellent way of describing what happens. I've always said that the mind finds a place for the grief so that it never really goes away, it just hides for a while. It's put into a place where there is less pain. Just lke your descripton of the moments adding up, the mind's ability to hide the pain for a while adds up and becomes longer with time. It does take awhile for that to happen though, and that amount of time is different for every person and situation, but it does eventually happen - probably when you least expect it. There will come a time when the emotion is not as raw and painful for a while and you will probably realize it afterwards, not during the time it happens. Eventually those short "moments" become longer and most ofhte time you are able to go on without the raw pain you feel now.
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." ~ Josh Billings.
