My sweet Willow went to the Rainbow Bridge

[Cleo]

I have that aching knot in my chest where my heart should be. I just picked my boy's ashes up and am violently pissed. Forget about sad. I'm VERY disappointed in the options given to me by the vet .. which were NONE. He came home in a plain white plastic box with a black and white printed sticker label over the top of it (guess that's supposed to act as a seal). The certificate I got was nothing more than a printout on regular paper. I was at least expecting cardstock. I don't know what the f*** I was expecting being this was my first time going through this but such impersonalization leaves a bigger hole in my heart now.

Had I known I could have gone to the crematory and made the arrangements myself, picked out something decent and proper and WAITED for him then and there, instead of the two weeks, I would have done that.

I am more than angered now at the universe I can spit fire!

[Cleo]

I like the idea of the tree Tina, very much. I'm assuming on your property where you can set up a little memorial and shrine to Willow with it.

The tattoo is a nice idea too, esp. with a paw print and her name.

Oh...we are considering planting a curly Willow tree in her honor...because of her tail

http://images.google.com/images?sourcei ... 78&bih=569

And I'm thinking of getting her pawprint tattooed over my heart

[Tina B and crew]

Oh Cleo...my heart breaks for you Two weeks? We let the crematory that picks up from our vet take care of Frodo and Gizmo's remains and I was disappointed that they were delivered in a velvet bag with the Rainbow Bridge poem embroidered on it. The cost for Frodo was $120 and they charged us nothing for Gizmo, probably because I complained about the lack of an urn. The funeral home we used for Willow delivered her the next day, but like your Simon she was in what they called a "temporary" urn, but it had a nice saying imprinted on the side of it (something about love and memories). We had the option of picking something else but chose not to in our time of grief. I want to shop around and pick out something when we aren't in such a state of grief. But I do recall that anger over the cost of Frodo's and the delivery method. Not to mention the wait. I'm so sorry you are going through this Cleo. My heart is with you. Please vent all you want, it is helpful for both of us to have someone to share our experiences with.

I just had a moment where I was holding my grandson, something that should bring me immense joy, and while cradling him in my arms I had a flash back of holding Willow that morning after she died and I slipped and called my grandson "my girl" instead of "my boy." I told Willow every single day that she would "always be my girl." I'm devastated that this is encroaching on my life this way. I've sat here since and just cried my eyes out that I can't hold my grandson without thinking of my sweet Willow right now. I think therapy is going to be a very good idea. I can't go on living like this

[Cleo]

I'm in therapy every two weeks. It's just with a psychologist; I refuse to go back on meds so every two weeks for talk is all they are going to get out of me. Therapy does help. I don't know where I'd be without it. I've been with the same therapist since 1998 and she's a pet lover so I know she understands but I cancelled my appointment this week. She was aware of what had happened because I called her and we've talked some since but I just couldn't bring myself to going this week. I didn't want to rehash it, didn't want to cry anymore (in front of anyone I mean). I'm crying now, I cry every day, I even cry in my sleep. Today was just a stern reminder of how unfair life is.

My mom told me today to get a grip because I'll have to go through this nine more times and if I don't accept things as they are, I'll end up dying over it. I can't see how much worse that would be because I feel so dead inside now (except that my other kitties wouldn't have me around to take care of them). I know to some (not those on this board thankfully) that sounds stupid. My a$$hole boyfriend wouldn't even take the ride with me to pick up my Simon because "it's just a cat ffs" Needless to say, I haven't talked to him since yesterday.

I looked online a bit for urns but will do so when I feel better. I know I will feel better picking out something that is a better resting place than this white plastic impersonal box.

I can just kick myself for going the route I did with the cremation. I remember a few years ago sitting in the parking lot at the vet and seeing the crematory truck pull up and the girl jumping out with an empty Rubbermaid bin. The first repulsive thought I had was that they just dump all the bodies in that to transport?! I wish I remembered that and was better educated with the whole process because I would have picked up Simon after the autopsy and driven to the place myself. I feel like I did him such a disservice and hate myself for it right now.

[Tina B and crew]

((((Cleo))))) Don't beat yourself up, you will find a way to honor Simon physically in time, and I know you honor him in your heart every waking hour just as I honor Willow. And don't listen to your mom, she just doesn't understand.

E's...I meant to thank you earlier for posting the links you did....I am so grateful to have online friends who understand and care. (((hugs)))

[Cleo]

My mom has seen me deteriorate emotionally and mentally since losing my daughter over a decade ago, among other issues. She is supportive and understands but is just quicker to close off her feelings than I am.

I haven't picked up a cutter in a year but I'm thinking of maybe, just maybe bringing myself to getting out some of my stained glass supplies and making my own box. The glassing was always a therapeutic outlet for me so we'll see.

[slvrwhispr]

Cleo, I think making a box for Simon would be a BEAUTIFUL tribute. going through the effort and making something with your own hands would be a perfect way to show just how much you love him and how precious he is to you. I can think of no better idea! Please share pictures, if you feel comfortable, if you decide to go with this idea.

[Traci]

Cleo,

The impersonal boxes (or bags) are common, mostly because of cost and because vets aren't in the funeral business and retailing urns would be futile since every pet owner is different with different needs.

Having said that, that ARE tacky but unfortunately, it's a compromise between costs for the vet and the owner and allows the owner to choose something more personal when the time is right. I do think vets should have a list of resources for pet owners who want to choose an urn, at least to give them options and a place to start. The process is so overwhelming as it is, and choosing an urn or final resting place or final act of remembrance is almost just as difficult as losing the pet.

As for taking two weeks, I would take that up with the vet, because that is an unusually long time (one week or so I would understand). I would explain to him that when owners are grieving, the last thing they need is waiting an unusual amount of time to bring their loved one home. Two weeks is totally unacceptable.

For me, I usually chose cat-shaped urns found online, then if I can find them, swarovski crystals and beads with letters, crystal hearts and other garnishes, and make 'necklaces' to place around the urn - doing this helps me during my grieving process, and somehow I find peace knowing my angel babies are truly home at rest beside me.

For you, I think making a stained-glass urn would be a personal and incredibly special thing to do for Simon.

My SO also cringes at the thought of the number of times we will be faced with this, but I don't dwell on that because life is precious and it's more important to me to focus on their lives and assure they are happy and loved. Try not to get too upset with your mom, while her words are a harsh reality, perhaps she just doesn't know how to comfort you, much less understand what you're going through. If you can, try to find comfort in knowing the rest of us DO understand.

Tina,

I love the idea of planting a tree, and it will always be a living reminder of Willow's specialness for you. A young lady who used to be on the forums here planted a special fenced garden for her angel-baby girl, it was so beautiful, and it helped tremendously to help her heal.

When people tell you to hold on to the memories, it is not just to try to comfort you, but it is also part of healing - when you think of Willow and her cute little antics, marvel at just how beautiful she was, and think of her in any way, when you can smile, laugh, (and even cry) then you know you are in the process toward healing. Healing is rarely ever complete, but the scars on your heart will soon mend and will hurt less.

If it's any consolation, I still curse the gods, nearly every day. I still cry and miss my babies something fierce. None of this is unhealthy, it's just being human. We humans have a tendency to forever want to be whole, an impossible feat. So we have to compensate the best way we know how. I think our loved ones know this and want us not to suffer but to heal and remember them and our relationships as they were - happy, secure, loved unconditionally.

[Cleo]

Thanks Traci. He died on 9/16 and the cremation certificate says 9/23; I got him back a week after that. Looking into the place the vet uses, the option to bring your pet same day, wait and return home with him is there so at least now I'm better educated.

[Tina B and crew]

Oh, I've cursed the gods alright, I've kicked, I've screamed...I can make no sense of this at all. I am sure Willow did not want to go...I screamed for God to bring her back that morning. I would have given my heart, soul, and breath to her. I've had relatively few moments of "peace" about this. I don't want to be here, every direction I look reminds me of the loss of my father and then the loss of Willow. It just is not right and it hurts like hell.

Yet I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of feeling hurt. There have been a few times when I am sure I felt Willow press up against me when I was crying. Those help, but it's still not enough.

Cleo...I think the idea of a stained glass box is beautiful and what a fitting tribute. I still haven't decided what I want for Willow. Right now she sits on my desk (where she use to often sit and look out the window) in her little temporary urn. I still haven't bought urns for Frodo and Gizmo...just could never decide on anything. When we had my father cremated it was easy to decide, but with the cats it just isn't.