Help, crazy woman trying to adopt my cat!

[js777]

I don’t know if anyone can help me. It’s a weird situation that seems clear one moment and gray the next. I have a cat I’ve had for about four years. She’s very cute, very smart and very affectionate. I built her a kitty door and she’s indoor outdoor. All the people in the complex want to pet her. She loves going out at night and playing with other neighborhood cats. Then about six months ago, I noticed one lady feeding her. I felt a little weird about it but accused myself of being overly sensitive. After a few weeks I told the woman that my cat had plenty of food and not to feed her too much. She said she wouldn’t and I forgot about it. Then people began to comment about how much the woman was feeding the cat. I got busy but a few months later I noticed that I could be petting my cat and suddenly she would leap up and tear out the door every time this woman came home from work. Pretty soon I noticed that the woman was allowing my cat into her apartment. This was too much. I went over and said, my cat doesn’t eat at home anymore so you should stop feeding her. The woman said she loved her so much and that she would miss her. I told her she was welcome to pet her sometimes but that she needed to stop feeding her, maybe just give her a little snack now and again. We had a friendly conversation, and I reassured the woman that my cat got lots of attention and food and was well cared for (she kept hinting about how affectionate my cat is as if I might not be giving her enough attention). Another tenant seeing us talk said, oh, you’re transferring ownership? I left and started really watching and thinking about it. I began to see that my cat camps out on her doorstep all night, waiting to be let in. I realized that basically without knowing me, without asking, without so much as a thought to whether or not I was comfortable with it, this woman had tried to absorb my pet into her home and life even though she has a boyfriend and two cats of her own. I also realized I had let it go too long so the next night I went over and made it very clear that I was uncomfortable with it, I didn’t like the fact that she’d taken on an ownership role with my cat and she’d been feeding my pet without ever asking my permission. She was shocked and a little angry but her boyfriend agreed and I talked to him for about an hour on unrelated topics, then we parted. Since then I spent about two nights with a squirt bottle running over to squirt my cat when she starts scratching and begging at this woman’s door. You can imagine how uncomfortable this is. My cat doesn’t understand why she’s being disciplined and I’m hanging out and watching my neighbor’s door all the time. The next night, I stayed up late, and let my cat roam. The woman never opened the door until about 12:00 when I think she thought I would be asleep. My cat went to her door and she opened it up. I rushed out and said, don’t encourage her, I’m trying to break her of the habit and you’re not helping. She said “oh” and shut the door. Now I’m pretty sure the woman doesn’t care about what I decide for my pet and she’s just waiting until I’m not looking to continue sucking my cat in. Now I’m scared and at night I’m locking the kitty door. My cat has had freedom for four years and now she’s unhappy and confused. It took me a week to get her to understand that she could push on the kitty door and get out, now it’s open sometimes and closed sometimes. She pushes and scratches and hangs on the kitty door desperately trying to get out and hang out with her buddies. Her ears are laid back and her favorite prowling time has been cut off because I can’t trust this woman to leave my cat alone.

I don’t know what to do. It’s not like she’s stolen my cat and at this point she’s trained my cat to want to be in her apartment and want to eat there. I can’t call the police and say, hey this woman is stealing my cat. I don’t think that’s what she’s doing, she just has boundary issues and doesn’t understand how inappropriate her behavior is. At this point she probably thinks I’m an abusive ogre who’s denying my cat her affection out of jealousy (it’s a word she used before). What do I do? What rights do I have? I can take a cat that’s been an indoor/outdoor cat her whole life and force her to be only indoor. She doesn’t understand it and she feels like she’s being punished. She is being punished indirectly but it’s not her fault. How do I make this crazy lady understand that my cat is mine and it’s my right to decide whether or not people develop close relationships with her and feed her without asking me. What do I do?

[Ash]

I don't want to debate with you over indoor/outdoor questions. Although an obvious solution would be to keep her indoors, which she would probably get used to, given your apartment is large enough and she has plenty of things to occupy her with and window places to sit and watch.

Okay, assuming you don't want to keep her indoors only. Please don't get me wrong, but I don't think there is as big a problem with the neighbour's behaviour as you think. We used to live with six cats, and four of them used to go over to the neighbour and hang out there all the time. He used to feed them breakfast too. We kind of shared the cats, and there were never any ill feelings between us. They would just alternate between his place and our place, which were wall to wall.

Do you think it is possible you could adopt a more relaxed attitude? This woman obviously loves cats, she won't harm yours. If you could make friends with her, it would be much easier to discuss, for example, what kind of food should be fed and which not.

Nevertheless, it would be safer for your cat if you could keep her indoors, not because of the neighbour, but of so many other hazards - cars, dogs, fights with other cats.

Why not adopt one of her 'buddies' too, then they can play together inside and won't get bored.

Is your cat spayed/neutered? She will have much less urge to roam when she is.

Please don't dismiss what I said immediately, give it a thought. From our six cats we have only two left (which are now indoor cats) - none of the four died because of the neighbour but because of the dangers of outdoor life!

[js777]

You're not really getting what happened. She has encroached further and further to the point that my cat doesn't eat at home, ever. It isn't that she's going to do anything wrong to my cat. The reason your situation is ok is because you gave your neighbor permission. The problem with this lady is that she never asked me, never approached me and now that I've told her I'm uncomfortable with it, she doesn't respect this. It's a boundary issue. What you're saying is, I have an agreement with my neighbor and my kids go over to play sometimes. What I'm saying is some person waits outside my house and feeds my kid candy until my kid goes running over to her house and spends the night and this person never asked me if my cat had allergies to certain kinds of food, she doesn't know what her diet is, she doesn't know if she needs medicine at a certain time, nothing. I don't know her, she never introduced herself, she never talked to me, she never approached me. She just started feeding my cat. And initially I told her it's ok to pet her and to give her treats sometimes but instead of respecting that limit, she began feeding her even more. It isn't appropriate and the fact that you don't get that means you have issues. If your neighbor refused to follow the guidelines you set for caring for your pet, you'd be fine with that? I don't think so.

[Traci]

If your neighbor refused to follow the guidelines you set for caring for your pet, you'd be fine with that? I don't think so.

You aren't setting any "guidelines", and whenever you leave your kitty outdoors, you are relinquishing any responsibility to her and essentially allowing and putting her at risk for anything to happen to her.

Don't equate your human emotion or thinking to a cat. Your kitty is probably seeking your neighbor's attention because she is actually giving her love and attention, spending time with her, feeding her because she is concerned. You, on the otherhand, and according to your posts, are more concerned about how to control a situation you put your kitty and yourself and your neighbor in.

The solution is to acclimate your kitty Indoors ONLY. Please read the page in full, it is self explainatory.

[Tambrey]

GGRRR...I had a long post typed, out, then closed the wrong window...let's try this again...

First off...I can surely understand your frustration and anger at this woman wanting to take ownership of your cat...I would be angry as well!

Second...taking offense at replies from others on the forum will not result in a positive outcome for anyone...just because Ash might not have fully undertood your situation, this does not mean she has issues...we need to try to be a little more polite and work together to try to find a solution that will work for you and your cat...

Third...the only way you are going to break your cat of the habit of feeding and playing at her apartment is to keep her inside at all times, no matter how much she whines at the door to go outside...
As you yourself said, how does this woman know what foods your cat can or cannot eat, or if she needs meds at a certain time...on the flip side...how do you know your cat will be home at a certain time to take those meds if necessary?

If this woman is not following the guidelines you feel you have set, then maybe it is time for you to look at a new set of guidelines, one that includes keeping your cat Indoor Only...and maybe you can consider getting her another cat to play with when you are not home, or even when you are home...make that cat Indoor Only from the beginning, and your cat might want to stay home ot play with it...

All we can do here is give you some ideas, you asked, we give our opinions from the information you give to us...please respect all the suggestions offered, and maybe take some of each to create your new guidelines that you are comfortable living with...

[js777]

Ok apologies for getting upset and accusing someone of having issues but what's really frustrating is that rather than addressing what's bothering me, it's obvious that this was never anything other than you guys pushing your indoor agenda on me and using the fact that I don't agree with you to say oh well it's your fault because you let her go out. First of all, I live on a secluded street across from a highschool where they don't allow traffic. Second of all, my cat only roams the complex and NEVER goes past the front lawn so I know where she is at all times. And I understand that I took a cheap shot by accusing someone of having issues but how is that different than you implying that I don't know where my cat is and that I can't properly medicate her? Basically you've all just made the assumption that I don't take care of my cat because I allow her to go outdoors. Once again, your little insinuations are just as offensive as me accusing someone of having issues. Implying that my cat goes to this woman because I don't pay attention to her is just as offensive as accusing someone of having issues. So why don't you try this: how about you assume that I'm a great pet owner, my cat has a microchip, she's socialized with other animals, I take her out to play on the lawn, I pet her and play with her several times a day, I built a homemade kitty door so she can go in and out, she gets her shots, she's the cutest, healthiest, smartest cat I know which is exactly why every lonely, needy woman in the complex immediately gloms onto her and decides that she's going to absorb her into her family. And guess what? Cats are animals which means that anyone who has the time and inclination can habituate them to hang out with them by feeding them treats all day long, even if it isn't good for the animal. So I have to play the bad guy and regulate her diet while this assuming jerk bonds with my cat by feeding her all day against my wishes and at odds with the health and welfare of the cat.

I can acknowledge that I retaliated a little bit by making a personal comment. Do you have the guts to admit what a bunch of nasty, condescending, generalizing assumptions you've made about me for no other reason than you hate people who let their cats go outdoors and you've decided that it can't ever be a good idea? I came here for a little understanding and have found most of the responses to be less than sympathetic at the least and condescending, petty and self serving at the worst. As long as you care for your pet, NOBODY has the right to decide that they're going to assume the role of primary caregiver. Or would you advocate that people give their kids away just because someone else thinks they can raise them better?

[Ash]

Hey, hey, slow down! Please! I never wanted to imply that you don't care for your cat properly, and I think I haven't. If you read my first post again, you'll see that I said I don't want to debate the indoor/outdoor topic with you, but I want to SUGGEST it. Is that not fair enough? You have to admit that cats are safer indoors, there is no way around that point. However, I also suggested, that if you don't want to keep her indoors, or it is because of the personality of your cat too difficult (which I can imagine may well be the case when a cat is used to the outdoors), that the most productive way would be to try and make friends with this woman. I mean, what else can you do? I don't see any other way forward. Either you lock the cat in, or let her out only when you're at home too and outside with her, or you open a road of communication with your neighbour. You said that you talked to her already a couple of times, so I think it can't be that hard. I understand that you don't like her behaviour - and I'm sorry that I misunderstood the situation at first. (Btw, I don't feel offended that you said I had issues.) I think I would be worried and annoyed too if I were you. The reason why I and others have suggested to keep her inside - besides safety considerations - is that there seems to be no other way if you really want to stop her from going over to the neighbour's house. That, or you'll have to move somewhere else. I would strongly suggest you try again and again to talk to her, even if that is difficult and she's not the kind of person you actually want to have as a friend. My neighbour I told you about earlier was one of the most obnoxious persons I have ever met in my life! I would have never wanted to be aquainted with him if it were not for the cats who went to him. I'm glad we moved and I don't have to see him anymore, because he was - simply put - crazy. And btw, he did things with the cats I didn't approve of at all, and we did have our fights about them. Luckily he listened to me and things went smoothly afterwards. You might achieve that too with your neighbour, even if you don't like her. You don't have to like her. Do it for your cat's sake.

One thing more: I did not make "nasty, condescending, generalizing assumptions" about you and I don't hate people who let their cats out. But four of my cats died outdoors. FOUR! I have learned my lesson the hard way.

[js777]

I actually wasn't offended by your response, it was the pointed one above it. Since I'm new here, I just generally vented about everything I had read in all the responses though the actually reply was posted to yours.

I appreciate the advice. Since I posted last, I actually went back over and had a conversation with the woman. I apologized for not being clear on what the limits were, I told her I liked the fact that Jo Jo had other friends and that she was kind to my cat. I told her the real problem was that she hadn't asked me and that I felt like she was using food to create the the role of primary care giver for her. She got a little angry but when I sincerely apologized for being curt with her and told her I wanted Jo Jo to visit her just not all the time begging for food, she actually got teary eyed and was as relieved as I was that I wasn't going to completely cut off the relationship. She's lonely and cats give her the attention she craves. Anyway, I understand that I've been testy. I love my cat like hell and felt like someone was using food to adopt her away from me. That makes me crazy. I also now have to deal with the fact that almost everyone has been adamant that cats are safer indoors. Now I have to decide whether or not to make that change. And my cat hates it. I locked her in last night and she spent an hour hanging from the kitty door, ears laid back, begging to be let out and looking at me with this confused look in her eyes. It was killing me.

[js777]

Yes, to be clear, my heated comments were aimed at Traci. Traci, you know what? You and I both respond with the same tone of defensiveness and pettiness. Don't you hate it when the people you think are full of it are just like you? LOL.

[Traci]

My post to you may have been condescending, but it certainly was not insinuating anything. Your post was clear...and it leaves us to wonder just who it is that is the crazy one.

You've got a clear understanding that this forum does NOT advocate outdoor living for cats.

You posted a situation that YOU yourself got yourself into.

You are placing blame with a woman who obviously cares about cats, whether it is your cat or someone else's cat or her own cat(s).

You put your kitty in a situation that does NOT allow her to be "free". If you want to place a value on your cat, then take the responsibility to keep her indoors where you can monitor her food, water, medications, health in general, and will NOT subject her to any other human who might do otherwise.

Your neighbor is not the bad person here. She is concerned, she is exercising care, affection, bonding with an animal who is obviously bonded with her, and probably to any other human who shows her compassion. If you don't want any other human touching, feeding, overseeing, whatever, as it regards your cat, then keep her INDOORS!

You are self-controlling your own situation. You created it, you are controlling it, and you are playing puppetmaster to your cat, your neighbor, or anyone else who may feel the need (for whatever the reason) to care about your cat. Your wishes don't apply one iota to this situation as long as you allow her outdoors, allow her to have an open kitty-door, and to voice your "expectations, wishes, demands" upon a person such as you have, is, quite, idiotic. Your neighbor doesn't need your "permission" about anything.

AS LONG AS YOUR KITTY IS OUTDOORS, OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME ENVIRONMENT, SHE WILL BE SUBJECT TO ANYTHING.

What possible right to you have to dictate to anyone how YOU prefer your cat to be taken care of? That is YOUR responsibility, and if you're not going to be responsible, logic dictates that someone else WILL, in this case, your neighbor, other people who see a cat loose in an apartment buidling or outside, etc etc. You can't possibly expect people to adhere to your expectations, directions, wishes, demands. The only way that can be achieved is when you keep your kitty indoors, where YOU are the caretaker, where YOU feed her, where YOU are her provider, etc.

Do not respond to this thread further, you were given a clear resolution to the situation more than once. If you still want to "control" your own situation, that's your problem, but for the safety, welfare and health of your kitty, I strongly suggest you rethink your actions and take responsibility to acclimate her indoors only. If you read the link I provided you, it is clear that this can be done effectively, with your kitty's complete welfare and happiness in mind.