need advice-talking to friend about putting her dog to sleep

[KristinB NLI]

I need some advice here. I went to visit an old friend this weekend in Florida. She has a 16 year old dog, a German Shepherd/Doberman mix (supposedly) named Max. Anyway, the dog is not doing well at all. He has horrible arthritis, cannot lie down easily or get up on his own. He has lost control of his bowels. He is mostly blind and deaf. You can really tell this dog is in pain and discomfort. He is confused and disoriented as well. The worst part is because he is incontinent, she keeps him outside now on the covered porch. He wants very badly to come inside, he used to be an inside dog. He has a ceiling fan, but it is VERY hot in South Florida. I fear he will die out there alone one day. She works full time and obviously is not there all the time.
She is trying. He is on Rimadyl and Cosequin, and she does "play" with him (as much as he can do that) and pay attention to him. He goes to the vet when he needs to. I think the issue here is that she recently got a divorce and is alone again, and all she has is Max. She has had him for 16 years. I think losing someone else she loves is possibly preventing her from seeing the reality of the situation.
I tried to say something and give her my honest opinion (we have known each other half our lives, so I felt comfortable at least broaching the subject gently), but she just seemed to think he was okay.
I know my dogs are very spoiled and not everyone treats their dogs the way I do. I will never let my dogs get to the point of where this dog is, I don't think I could bear to see them in that much pain and discomfort. And if one of them had a problem, I would clean the house every day for hours if that meant they could stay inside with me. But those are MY dogs, and this is HER dog. It just bothered me so much all weekend. I have seen very old dogs, and I have seen sick dogs, but I can honestly say I have never seen a poor old dog that was this bad off.
Any advice? Should I mention it again to her or just let it go and mind my own business?

[E's]

Traci and others will have more tactful and better written replies, I'm sure, and my computer is in the process of being updated so I am distracted today. But I cannot let this pass, it touches me so deeply. I have a German shepherd, now 8 years and healthy except her eyes are mattering a bit this week so she will go see the vet tomorrow... My dog means so much to me and has seen me through some rough times and losses, and I don't like to even picture what it would be like for me to lose her. But I am a survivor, almost 77 years of age and I can tell you this: You MUST "Get tough" with this friend of yours: both of you can be terribly damaged if you don't, and the friendship destroyed. If she still lets her own feelings prevent her from doing what is right, then IMO you should intervene: Bring Animal Control (humane society and/or private veterinary clinic) into the situation - it may be that you can do this anonymously, but if you can't, I feel you owe it to the dog himself to see that his suffering is ended.

On a lighter or at least more positive note: It might turn out that once your friend does face this latest crisis in her life, and deals with it, a new pet could improve her present life no end... Perhaps you can try this one last approach to get her to take immediate action on her own... But please don't wait any longer!

Dot B
Whose healthy GSD never spends more than a few minutes outdoors here in the Tropics...

[E's]

Don't know why this posted twice... as I say, my 'puter is being rebuilt. Sorry.

[Traci]

I would try to find out from her what her vet has said to this point. If he gave her a poor prognosis, then she may only be prolonging the situation for her sake only, not that of her dog. On the other hand, if he feels more can be done as in supportive care, then she owes it to her dog to see the vet and have a good long talk about her options.

Here is a well-written criteria when facing the inevitable decision: When Is It Time? that may help her decide if her dog's condition may be beyond treatment.

I can understand the recent "loss" in her life, and I can certainly understand the turmoil she may be facing with another loss. But if the dog's condition is beyond treatment and if he is in pain or disabled, this is not a quality life for him. In that perspective, she must choose a kinder approach by releasing him from the pain and suffering. One thing that strikes me as not quality of life is confining him to a porch when he has obviously been accustomed to indoor living. You are correct, the heat, subfloors if any, (or concrete, etc) are more debilitating to an older pet than anything, especially an arthritic pet....there are medications available to help with incontinence, the rimadyl or cosequin can be adjusted if necessary and other supportive care methods can be approached.

Lastly, if there is such an organization in her area, maybe ask her to look into hospice care...some vets and their staff support such services, it would be worth it to check into it if available.

[KristinB NLI]

I agree, Traci. The dog fits several criteria in the article you sent. He doesn't have much time left either way, but it would so much more humane for him to be euthanized in the presence of someone who cares for him than to possible die out there on the porch alone one day. I reminded her that she does have a choice with him. I would even offer to go back there and do it myself if she couldn't handle it. She does take him to the vet, and I am not sure what the vet says about him. She is going out of town this weekend and will be boarding him at the vets, so I am hoping they will notice his poor condition and broach the subject with her then. The outdoor situation is what bothered me most.

Sometimes I think I am too critical. However, if my dog were incontinent and otherwise had a good quality of life, I would get him on medication, and even if that did not help completely, I would just pull up the rugs and clean the house several hours a day if that meant he could remain comforatble indoors with me. I just can't understand how she cannot see clearly how bad off he is. It would be heartbreaking for me to watch someone I love continue to deteriorate in pain.

I will keep in touch with her about it and send her the article.

Thank you.

[KristinB NLI]

E's-
As I mentioned in my reply to Traci, she is taking the dog to be boarded at the vet this weekend. I am really hoping the vet's staff will speak up at that point about his condition.
Animal Control would probably not be of much help. Legally, she is providing what the dog needs: shelter, food, clean water, vaccinations, etc. That's the harsh reality about Animal Control in a lot of places, they just require the bare minimum. To you and I, it may seem like neglect, but to them, it is not.
And she is trying, she is just in denial about what is right here. I have even offered to travel back there (about 8 hours away) to take Max to be euthanized myself if she cannot do it.

[k9Karen]

I really can't offer any advise beyond what has already been said, but perhaps I can put a different slant on things. I do agree that it is 'time' for this dog, but, I believe your friend will feel like she is betraying her friend if she goes through with it and is hoping that nature will make the decision for her. It is a form of denial, but I understand it. Nature made the decision for me with my first Sheltie, Leah. She had a massive stroke and her brain - what make her the dog I loved, was gone. Putting her down was difficult, but it did not hurt as much as I thought it would. On the other hand, I chose to put my Mickey down a few months ago because he had reached the point where your friend's dog is now, and I have beat myself up over that decision every since. I will always wonder if I did the right thing at the right time. The pain is tremendous and it won't go away.

Your friend is doing what she believes in her heart is right. She is caring for her elderly friend, who is much more to her than a just a dog. It is the same as caring for an aging parent or grandparent - we do what we can to make them comfortable, and pray that, when their time comes, it will not be too painful - for them or for us. Please try not to be too judgemental. Be kind and try to help her reach the decision that is best, and then be there to support her in her grief. She will need you even more then.

[ShelbysMom]

I don't think your friend realizes how bad her dog has deteriorated. I recently put my dog to sleep after nearly 13 yrs. It wasn't until after I got a new puppy that I realized how little quality of life my older dog had.

Watching the new puppy frolic and play, I had forgotten how many pleasures in life my prior dog had and how over the years, all of those things slowly disappeared. Her entire life had become just sitting on the couch. She would wag her stub of a tail when I walked by her and pet her head. She would show happiness when I gave her a cookie or something, but for the most part.....she was just existing. One night, she deteriorated so rapidly that I was forced to make a decision that I had wrestled with for months. It took a great deal of strength to say goodbye but I took comfort in being able to be with her right until the end.

I think your friend is waiting for nature to take her friend at the right time. I think that after all these years, she is afraid to be the one to make that painful decision.

[LinZ]

I think everyone else has said what I feel, but I'm going to paraphrase anyway and add my two cents.

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Your friend obviously is more attached to her dog than before, most likely because of her recent divorce, and she probably feels as if this dog is all she has left that means anything to her. And if she has had her dear dog for 16 years, then it holds a place in the warmest regions of her heart. I know that I've had my dear cat Mollie for 14 years, and he is like my child and my best friend; I can't remember a day when I didn't see him or hold him or play with him. And I just can't imagine life without him in it; he is a part of me. And, judging by your descriptions, I would confidentally say that this is exactly how your friend feels about her dog.

Even when a deeply loved pet is in morbid pain, it can be a difficult decision to have it put down, because you might feel as if you are killing it...but the animal would probably much rather choose a gentle passing into the next world rather than going on day after day in intense suffering.

Some people simply want to wait until it's the right time for the animal to go; sort of like a fate thing; they might believe that if it's the opportune time for the animal to leave this world, it will happen. But sometimes it can seem a bit cruel to allow an animal to go on in such pain. That is why some people who may be hospitalized will say that they would rather pass on at their "time" than be hooked up to a machine that will prolong their life and possibly their suffering.

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Be gentle with your friend, but if she remains unwavered, be more firm. Explain to her that her dear pet is suffering greatly and to allow it to trudge through each day in its condition is probably more cruel than having the animal put down.

One thing, though...do NOT tell her that she can just go and get a new dog, whether or not she has her current dog euthanized; that is the worst thing you can tell someone in this type of situation. If she chooses to have the dog put to sleep, offer her as much comfort as possible and try to cheer her up...but as I said, don't try to hint around to her about getting another pet, even if she remains depressed despite comforting. Let her decide when the right time is to bring a furry companion into her life again.

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Please keep us updated on your friend's (and her dog's) condition!

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LinZ - hopes the right choice is made