Am I crazy?

[Guest]

On August 14, 2004, I had to put my 16 year old cat, Mittens, to sleep. She was suffering from severe impaction and was becoming anorexic. She also had some kind of nerve damage caused by the constant straining from the impacted stool.
Our vet cleaned out her colon and put her on a high fiber prescription diet, laxatives, and enemas. Although I knew it was selfish, I went along with this treatmrnt plan...to no avail. A few days later, Mittens was again suffering. The vet that had cleaned her out was already my second opinion vet. I did have all of the blood work and diagnostic tests done as well. I took her for another office visit when I realized she was impacted again and the vet said she was in pain and there was nothing else to do but euthanize her and put her out of her misery, so I did.
I know that the mourning process is a long one but my heart is sooooo broken. I am always wondering if I made the right decision. Is euthanasia truly a painless procedure? Could I have stopped it after the vet started the injection like I wanted to? I think about her all the time and tell her how sorry I am and how much I miss her. I swear I still see her sometimes, like she's visiting me. I lie in bed and replay her last moments over and over. I was trying to comfort her and told her how much I loved her and she just sat on the table looking up at me purring. My best friend says that Mittens was purring to let me know that it was OK and she was grateful for what I was doing. I miss her so much and feel so guilty. I can't even think about her without crying. Will I ever be able to accept her death? I also have Mittens' brother, Burbank. He's 17 now and I don't know if I could handle it if something happens to him. I know realistically, he's an old boy and his time will also come. How can I get over this guilt?

[gabcat]

Indeed, you are not crazy. Just a caring compasionate human being.
However, you must stop torturing yourself with "coulda shoulda". You certainly did the best you could for your dear kitty. Believe me, I do feel your pain because I, too am having to make the same decision for my cat. It was good for me to see your note and remind myself that I must do whatever is best for her in the long run.

[alleycat]

I'm so sorry.
I just joined here but I wanted to respond to say I am sending my love to you because you are greiving and you are NOT crazy.
My first cat died while still a kitten when I was 8. I am 29 now and I still feel sad and miss her.
Grief is a real process and however you experience it is okay.
You did the right thing in letting her go when she was in so much pain.
You tried your best to prolong her life.
Guilt is also a normal part of greif- could I have stopped it, what if I'd done this or that etc.
Its really really normal.
You need to look after yourself right now- have some hot chocolate, put soothing music on- comfort and nurture yourself.
LOVE
Nelly.

[CynthiaR (Whitewolf)]

SusanB, I'm sorry to hear what happened. You're not going crazy. My heart is with you, your Burbank and the family.

Yes, she did visit you. Just like my beloved cats Lucky and Garfield who visit us sometimes from heaven. I don't know why. I'm sure animals are God's creatures who stay for a while on this earth to let us know they're okay. Mittens is whole now, she's free from pain, she will no longer suffer any pain. Mittens is a whole new cat who is forever young in spirit. Mittens from time to time will visit you and Burbank and the family. She thanks you many time for caring her for many years. The more you think of her, the more she will stay with you and purring.

[Traci]

Susan, you are certainly not crazy. You miss your baby girl, and you are feeling guilt from a situation that you could not control. Oftentimes we feel we need to have some control of a situation that hurts us deeply, in order to survive the crisis, to survive the pain. When we lose that control or feel helpless, then we may begin to feel guilt for one reason or another. It is a natural process of grieving.

We sometimes also tend to focus on those harder times, the negative feelings, and the hurt it caused us. But, by accepting that you did everything you could possibly do for your sweet Mittens, that will be the beginning of your healing. Mittens knew and felt your love and compassion, she knew you were there for her, doing your ultimate best for her.

The pain will lessen in time, and the void will soon be replaced by fond memories you had with her. The important thing is to releive yourself of any guilt you may be feeling, and accept that you gave her a loving, wonderful life, and I'm sure that love was returned hundredfold. What a special gift given you, the chance to love and be loved by a precious creature.

Try to focus on Burbank, give him lots of love and attention, and enjoy the time you have with him. Mittens would want you to continue that love and what better way than through and for Burbank. Mittens is no less loved by you in your heart and memories, she will always have a special place in your heart. I share your heartbreak and pain, it is never easy and sometimes the pain remains for some time, but it will lessen in time, and seem less severe.

Euthanasia is a painless procedure and it provides a rapid release from pain and suffering. It is also the kindest act of love one can do for a treasured loved one in a time of pain or suffering. You are not alone in your struggle to accept....and you should not be burdened by any guilt.

It is obvious Mittens was very special and loved ultimately. (((HUGS)))

[Cleo]

Ditto on everything that's been said here in this thread. I'll pray you find comfort in knowing that Mittens was truly blessed to have you in her life and that you did right by her with that painful decision. Please also find comfort in believing she is visiting you and letting you know that she's happy and well scampering about at The Bridge.

Gentle journey sweet Mittens.

[Ron]

susanb, I'm so very deeply sorry to read about your loss. As the others who have replied have already stated, you did the right thing even though the guilt and pain that follow the loss of a special and beloved kitty can be unbearable. What you are going through now is very normal, and all of us who love our babies as much as you love your kitty feel all those same emotions when we have to make the same decision you did. Try not to be hard on yourself, your Mittens is now in a place where she wll never again feel any pain or suffering. I know that she understood how much you loved her and I'm sure she could sense that you did everything you could for to help her. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[davet]

for once i agree with every one...you are not crazy, just caring...Megacolon or Hirschprung disease is peculiar to cats and it tough to handle especiall because it affect them at older ages...you did right

[moonchicklovesku]

You did the right thing for Mittens. When I was 13 I had a little sheltie dog that was only a couple of months older than me that I'd had since I was born and we had to put him down. He had started having really bad seizures and turned out he was going deaf and already had cataracts over both eyes. It was his time to go. He had already lived past the typical age for those kinds of dogs so I was lucky we got to keep him that long. I had to hold him all the way to the vet and back. It was SO extremely hard b/c that was my dog and I was only 13 and now I'm 20 and typing this just made me tear up. Lol. I wish I could have had the option to do it w/ the three cats I lost. I had one the died b/c she was kicked in the head by either one of our cows or horses. She did suffer. I had two others that just disappeared. All three of them got no older than 5 years old. It's extremely hard to lose any pet but I'd feel better knowing that mine didn't suffer but I know that they did except my dog. Keep your hopes up and take care of her brother and he'll love you for it. Cats are delicate creatures and you have to show them compassion too like they do for you when they know you're upset. Show him the same thing and he'll remember and it'll help him keep going to too, especially at his age. Good luck! Don't feel crazy. I cried when my cats ate one of our fish:-P Lol. Things will be fine and you don't need to worry.

[susanb]

Thank you ALL for your kind words and for sharing your own stories of loss. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness. I guess for right now I have to let my sadness run it's course. I just miss my sweet "Pretty Mitty". I got her and Burbank when I was just 8 yrs.old and I'm 25 now. As a child, my friend and I used to dress the cats up in my old baby clothes, bonnets and all . I try to think about how lucky I am to have had 16 years with Mittens instead of reliving her last moments. As much as I wish I could take it back, I can't so Burb and I just have to try to go on without her. I feel like she's still around us at times. Again, thank you for your comforting words.

susan